He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
