Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
