Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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