We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
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Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
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I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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