I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
This house was built for laser tag.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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