im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
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I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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