he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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