I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
