2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
