just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
