i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
