I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
