My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
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Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
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ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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