i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
