Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
