You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
