i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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