Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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