The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
