just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I have tasted many bathrooms
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
