I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
