I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
