Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
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