Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
