i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
