i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
