She's JV to your varsity
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
