It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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