I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
