I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
