Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
