Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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