I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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