You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
