so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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