I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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