here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
