If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
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THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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