"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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