Sry I called you an 8
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize