so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
