So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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