i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
