I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
