Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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