And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
