My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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