u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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