I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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