Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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