We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
