Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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