people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
