I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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