Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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