You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
