this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
